 |
|
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Posted at 01:25 am by shaninsky
Sunday, January 01, 2012
"so this is the new year,
and i don't feel any different.
so this is the new year,
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions"
Posted at 03:20 pm by shaninsky
Saturday, December 31, 2011
t minus twenty-five minutes. forty grams of coke, one mdma, three amphetamines, twenty-eight grams of weed and seven-hundred and fifty millileters of jamaican rhum. bless motherfucking night, beer pong with my fam: bt and pu reppin'.
Posted at 11:35 pm by shaninsky
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
my last post just made me realise why i cannot be in a relationship. food consumes my every thought. whether it be salivating at the thought of binging, or smiling at the thought of starving. i am so focused on my relationship with food, i have no time for a relationship with someone. the darkness may not have arms to hold, but it holds me all the same.
Posted at 01:34 am by shaninsky
Friday, December 02, 2011
your first thought when waking up always has to be do not eat. breakfast is how you get fat. that's when you break the seal.
Posted at 11:10 am by shaninsky
Thursday, December 01, 2011
a friend asked me today if i was seeing anyone. the question made me laugh. for the first time in a long time, i am completely unattached to any person of the opposite sex. as lonely as this realisation is, it also makes perfect sense. how could i be in a relationship, caring and worrying about another human being at all times, when i can barely even handle waking up and getting dressed. showering feels like running a marathon. i cannot love and care and hold and be that perfect girlfriend i would i hope i could be. i hate being alone, but for once, i think it is exactly what i myself and any other person looking to be with me needs. i am destroying myself, know that i would probably destroy you too.
i'm flattered, but trust me, you're getting the long end of the stick.
Posted at 11:27 pm by shaninsky
i promise when i reach 100lbs, i will get help. i figure if i make it to 100lbs, the next 10lbs will be easy enough and i will have time to reach it before the therapy starts working.
Posted at 11:16 pm by shaninsky
tiny tiny
satisfying
white quick
specs.
i will have you tomorrow,
i will have you tomorrow.
Posted at 03:47 pm by shaninsky
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
i have been good for so long now. i have restricted myself for so long. i have eaten meals every day and let my scars heal. i have been outgoing, making new friends and making time to see those friends. i have been good, haven't i? and yet, all i want to do is vomit and vomit and vomit and vomit. i am disgusting. i am filthy. i want to drag that blade so deep across my whole body. i went every nerve ending on my skin to burn. i want tears to stream down my cheeks and sting as the crawl over the ridges left by a sharp metal tool. i want to waste away, to be meatless. bones and a pale aura, i want to disappear. they say destroy what destroys you, i must go to the source: myself. i want to slip and slide down the irreversible path of mental illness i spent so long fleeing. i want the warmth of the darkness, eating away at me. i want to relapse. i want to crawl back into my comfort zone of self-hate, self-harm and self-improvement. i need to be better. i need to stop eating, so i can be skinny and pretty and easy for people to look at. i need to stop letting people in. i need to protect myself, my heart, my feelings, my head. i can't let people play with my head. i can't let people reel me in. i need my secrets back. i need to feel hungy, empty. i need to be a hollow shell.
Posted at 05:14 pm by shaninsky
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
when someone is talking shit about you, people are quick to say don't listen to others. however, when it's me telling myself i need to lose weight, all of a sudden i am supposed to listen to everyone else saying no you don't. that's some class a bullshit if i ever saw some.
Posted at 09:29 pm by shaninsky
|
|
|
|
 |
|  |
 |
photography site
I've been through my fair share of rough times, but if there's one thing I have learned it's that turning things around is not the hard part, deciding you want to is.
"Betrayal is the only truth that sticks."
- Arthur Miller
|
 |
 |
|  |
|
|
|
